Dear May,
I just need one word to desccribe this-bitter-sweet-month. WOW. Wait, let me get more oxygen. Honestly, it’s little bit hard to write. But for me, writing is one of the best self-healing. May. Ah you give me a lot pf surprises eventhough this month isn’t my birthday. I thought I could imagine how much it would hurt, but I was wrong. All the things that running in my head are about holiday, happiness, togetherness. But in an instant, everything changed. Those things turned out to be sadness, loss, darkness.
Sometimes I just still can’t believe he’s gone. You know that our last goodbye was never said. I wanted to see him again to say goodbye with the way that I wanted. Then I realised if I got my way, I would never say goodbye. But I got it now. I haven’t simply lost him at one point in time. I’ve lost his presence in every aspect of my life. The best way that I can suggest to all the people is never waste a moment, it may be the last with someone you love. If we remember everyday that we could lose someone at any moment, we could love them more fiercely and freely and without fear (not because there is nothing to lose), because everything can always be lost.
Love the people that Allah send to your life, because He will absolutely bring them back one day. Mostly, it’s loss which teaches us about the worth of things and sometimes that moment hits me out of nowhere all of sudden. This overwhelming sadness rushes me. I’ve learned this along my journey, letting go doesn’t mean loving less. He fought so hard to stay, but when I saw him sleeping peacefully free from pain, I couldn’t wish him back to sufffer again. It’s much better to think of him as resting from the sorrows and the tears in a place of warmth and comfort.
Indeed, Allah never breaks his promises. Even it’s been written twice in Quran. Verily, along with hardships, there is ease. In the middle of the month I made a courageous decision. Am I afraid? I really am. It’s natural because courage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid, courage mean you don’t let fear stop you. Sure there is a lot of hesitation at first. But in my hesitation, I found my answer.
It’s kind of blessing having someone who can handle you at your worst. It’s so priceless. No no no, it’s not about fancy things and surprises. What makes it more priceless is having deep conversation with the right people. Life can be equally easy and complicated at the same time. This is why a single phrase that talks about our lives can a sparks the thought or even push us to make decisions we’d never imagine before. They make me throw off the bowliness, sail away from the safe harbor, and catch the trade winds in my sails. So I decided to join the election of Surabaya tourism ambassador called Cak&Ning Surabaya. And the result is....
So what’s next? Well, I have a project for one year project. Of course, I can’t do it by myself, I ask my friends to join and their answer is “I am definitely in.” Ah so excited! And you guys may start to wonder, what kind of project that I will make? Just keep in touch with my blog okay? Hahahaha.
Finally, it comes to an end. I keep telling my self that Allah always has His best plan. Either losing or having something, I can guarantee both of those will make a better version of us if we can learn.
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